Mental Prep

I spent most of this weekend scrubbing. S had to go into work for a bit on Saturday, so I used that time to give our kitchen and bathroom a much needed deep clean. I opened up all our windows, put on some great dance music, and got to work. I did it under the guise of “spring cleaning”, but deep down I know it’s actually about control. Or lack of control, rather.

Any time we’re about to embark on a big endeavor, I kick it off with a cleaning session. When we go on vacation, I tend to frantically clean our place right before we leave, so we can come back to a nice clean home. Yep, I’m one of those women. There’s something really soothing about organizing your shit and coming home to a calm, decluttered space every day. Especially when you’re starting an adventure you have very little control over.

Tomorrow morning we have our first appointment with the RE. As much as I like to think I have control over the process – through diet, exercise, stress management, tracking my cycles – the truth is, I don’t. I have no idea how this story will end. Hell, I don’t even know how long this story will be. It’s not as if we have an infinite amount of tries in us. There are very real financial limitations and emotional/mental limitations. S and I have had general conversations about how long we want to try for a baby and I think we’ll have a more well-informed discussion after tomorrow, when we know what we’re dealing with physically. But the thought of giving my body over to this process makes me feel really helpless.

This whole adventure has been something we’ve discussed for years and actually started planning months ago. Now that we’re about to put it in motion, I feel…scared. What if it doesn’t work? What if it strains our marriage? We’ve been coasting on optimism all this time and I don’t want to lose that. Even if it seems naive of me to say this, I don’t want to become jaded over this process. It’s already medicinal and cold enough as it is, what with all the appointments and poking and prodding and perfect timing. I want to make sure we keep something light and airy and hopeful alive while going through this.

So while I can’t control this huge, life-changing adventure we’re starting tomorrow, I CAN control our living space and how clean it is. Whatever the results tomorrow, we will have a clean, bright, well organized kitchen and bathroom, damn it! It’s the little things that can make all the difference.

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7 thoughts on “Mental Prep

  1. Your right, you cannot control this process or how long it takes. I’m sorry you know that right off the bat but maybe it will help ease any frustrations that arise, cause there will be some. I won’t lie either it is a marriage changer, but not always for the worse. My wife and I are very close now, maybe not sexually but intimately. Sex can be a chore while charting and timing and then your period. Not for everyone though. I wish you lots of luck!!

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  2. Sounds like you’re going in with a good attitude, which is all you can hope for at this point. Hopefully, everything else will fall into place for you two. I always wanted to have control over everything until I realized the hard way that it’s self-destructive to expect that of yourself. So in the meantime, clean away girl! I always feel better about the world when my living space is clean and tidy!

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  3. It’s not easy. It really depends where you are medically. If your ovaries and everything look good, you may want to try at home for a couple tries, or do a IUIs with a non-RE, that’ll be cheaper. I don’t know what the laws are in your area regarding second parents’ rights, but my wife and I tried with frozen donor sperm so that at birth she’d be considered the second parent. You can save $500+ a month or more if you have a known donor. But you’d need to 1.) really trust that person and 2.) know the laws in your area. In a lot of places if you use a known donor and they have any kind of a relationship with the child, they can legally get parental rights.

    If it fails you’ll be sad. I won’t lie, I’m not a crier, but yesterday I cried while doing the dishes. I’m only a couple weeks out of realizing continuing to try as we have been makes no sense, so it’s still fresh pain. In a couple weeks I’ll know for sure if we’re out or not. I’m having additional testing done to see if I’m not pregnant for a fixable reason or if it’s just one of those things doctor’s will never understand (good weight, perfect thyroid levels, regular cycles with ovulation indicated each month, etc).

    If we don’t find anything, it’ll be okay. We’ll try to foster-adopt, but if that doesn’t work out, I still have a crazy amount of love for my wife and feel that it’s enough love for a lifetime. We don’t need an additional tiny human. Having another person in the family would be great, but it’s not all there is in life. A lot of people live perfectly happy childless lives.

    And cleaning is totally therapeutic. I hope you guys get nothing but good news from your appointment.

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  4. Feeling scared is good. It means you’re realistic and that will prepare you for the ups and downs far better than being overly optimistic. Just wait until you get that BFP, then you’ll know real fear! Good luck today! xx

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  5. The fact that you already know ahead of time what you are getting into is going to be a big help. No doubt that things will come up that you don’t expect, but it sounds like you are going into this with a general idea that shit can go wrong, or that it can go very right and that we have no control over it. I feel you on the cleaning thing tho. I think every time we went for an IUI I made sure the house was immaculate the night before…that way when we got home, Callie could turn down the covers and get into a cozy bed! Best of luck! I’ll be thinking of you and praying that everything goes well

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