I spent most of this weekend scrubbing. S had to go into work for a bit on Saturday, so I used that time to give our kitchen and bathroom a much needed deep clean. I opened up all our windows, put on some great dance music, and got to work. I did it under the guise of “spring cleaning”, but deep down I know it’s actually about control. Or lack of control, rather.
Any time we’re about to embark on a big endeavor, I kick it off with a cleaning session. When we go on vacation, I tend to frantically clean our place right before we leave, so we can come back to a nice clean home. Yep, I’m one of those women. There’s something really soothing about organizing your shit and coming home to a calm, decluttered space every day. Especially when you’re starting an adventure you have very little control over.
Tomorrow morning we have our first appointment with the RE. As much as I like to think I have control over the process – through diet, exercise, stress management, tracking my cycles – the truth is, I don’t. I have no idea how this story will end. Hell, I don’t even know how long this story will be. It’s not as if we have an infinite amount of tries in us. There are very real financial limitations and emotional/mental limitations. S and I have had general conversations about how long we want to try for a baby and I think we’ll have a more well-informed discussion after tomorrow, when we know what we’re dealing with physically. But the thought of giving my body over to this process makes me feel really helpless.
This whole adventure has been something we’ve discussed for years and actually started planning months ago. Now that we’re about to put it in motion, I feel…scared. What if it doesn’t work? What if it strains our marriage? We’ve been coasting on optimism all this time and I don’t want to lose that. Even if it seems naive of me to say this, I don’t want to become jaded over this process. It’s already medicinal and cold enough as it is, what with all the appointments and poking and prodding and perfect timing. I want to make sure we keep something light and airy and hopeful alive while going through this.
So while I can’t control this huge, life-changing adventure we’re starting tomorrow, I CAN control our living space and how clean it is. Whatever the results tomorrow, we will have a clean, bright, well organized kitchen and bathroom, damn it! It’s the little things that can make all the difference.